Pantsdown & Dastyari Call On Voters To Enrol While They Can For Pointless Postal Survey


What a glamorous, non-binding postal survey campaign it’s shaping up to be.

The August 24th enrolment deadline is fast approaching for those wanting a say on marriage equality in a postal poll costing megabucks but counting bugger-all in resolving the issue, with politicians expected to ignore it.

But burqa queen Pauline Hanson‘s alter-ego, Pauline Pantdown, reckons it’s important “yes” supporters send a strong message to the government and hit the streets in red letter box theme last week with fan, Senator Sam Dastyari, to motivate the masses.

The symbolism was not lost on the Senator and proud media whore, who recited the famous line: “they say that great minds dress alike,” adding it was “fantastic you (Pantsdown) have come in post box camouflage today.”

Pantsdown’s famous Hanson-inspired hit ‘I don’t Like It’ could readily be applied to the $120m postal stunt cooked up to delay the inevitable by those fiscal gurus within conservative political ranks.

It’s an absolute bargain. Personally, I can’t think of anything I’d rather shower with tens of millions of dollars. Raising awareness and revenue for Australia Post is an admirable.

It was clear Pantsdown wasn’t having a bar of Senator Dastyari’s small talk and playful, meaningless banter – not while there was a meaningless postal survey campaign in which to channel her campaigning energy and soothe the pre-match nerves.

“I think I’ll stay here all night just in case any late votes come in, ” demonstrating a steely focus on achieving the best possible “yes” campaign result, that politicians could then ignore.


Both were acutely aware of the challenge in getting younger Australians acquainted, in many cases probably for the first time, with communications minus the Wi-Fi, screen and Emojis.

They patiently gave an entry-level tutorial on communicating using envelopes stuffed with printed material, inserted into big, red, roadside Australia Post boxes.

“This is called an envelope… this is called a post box,” Pantsdown explained, clearly indicating each object.

“If you know the government’s NBN, this is a bit like human rights to the node.

“So you have your vote as to whether gay and lesbian people are human or not and you’re going to put it inside this piece of metal.”


Senator Dastyari knows there’s no room for complacency if the “yes” campaign is to succeed and overwhelmingly endorse marriage equality.

Especially with the “no” campaign so organised, having distilled its message into a compelling and persuasive issue that taps into fears so many of us frequently encounter.

Removing the barrier to marriage could result in two brothers, or a father and son, who love eachother, hastily tying the knot.


Senator Dastyari is probably now concerned – like others in the community – that Teams “No” will use dirty campaign strategy using his comments about someone marrying a bridge.

One possible approach would aim to devalue same-sex relationships by associating them with the weirdness and perceived mental instability that are clearly prerequisites on the path to becoming an inanimate object lover.

Erika La Tour Eiffel, 46 , romantically embraces the Eiffel Tower, who she married nine years ago

But it’s a risky approach that could easily backfire as human hook-ups with non-human objects is gaining popularity.

Erika La Tour Eiffel, 46, is living proof that you can fall in love with a famous landmark and have a committed, long-term relationship that goes from strength to strength.

Her bizarre fetish for inanimate objects saw her marry the tall and handsome Eiffel Tower in 2008. But the first time she experienced a lust for something able to sit still and patiently listen to what she had to say, was her fling with ‘Lance’, a bow that helped her become a world-class archer.

She admits having a crush on the Berlin Wall and says she gets plenty of action in her physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her room, but Eiffel is special – the culmination of a life-long search for the perfect permanent partner object.


Incredible waste of tens of millions of taxpayer dollard and pointless waste of time aside, Australian’s looking for another reason to rubbish the postal poll will be pleased to know the Australian Bureau of Statistice – which famously stuffed up its online arrangements for its key task, the Census – is leading the organisational effort.

Here’s what you need to know straight from the horse’s mouth.



Top 10 Songs To Mark Lobbyist/Mayor Bill Pickering’s Red Bathrobe Encore


We interrupt our deep sleep to update you on the latest efforts by (retired) Major Shamateur* that are “Taking Us For A Ryde” (pun intended) as he persists with a desperate crusade to impose a twin (or more)-towered monstrosity on Ryde’s civic precinct, regardless of what ratepayers think.

This is an inspirational story of determination, focus, ‘world’s best practice’ in dirty politics and a man on a mission to make the world aware of an impending crisis in human rights abuses against property developers. Hugo Halliday, our conflicted but resourceful superstar reporter, threw together this report.

As a lobbyist that’s mainly serviced property developers, Bill Pickering is well aware of the struggles and the discrimination they face on multiple fronts, even when trying to make a valuable contribution to the community – like a high-rise residential tower or 10.

(* For details on why we’ve chosen the ceremonial name of Major Shamateur in this piece refer to the section subtitled ‘As Popular Bowel Cancer: No Local Support? No Worries’)

Picko Picks: Songs To Celebrate A Lobbyist Turned Mayor

We drew upon our global editorial resources to assemble a compilation of songs are most relavant to the personal story of Ryde’s new leader by miscarriage.

In number one spot is a song that carries some sentimental value for Pickering.

Its title, ‘Shamateur’ kicked off an ultra-marathon of rage and malicious dummy spitting by Pickering, angered to be given such an honest one-word character assessment by John Booth, editor of local newspaper, The Weekly Times.

#1 Shamateur

This track by pop-electro group Viola, is titled with the same word the The Weekly Times used to describe lobbyist Bill Pickering in his early days as a councillor. So it has a certain sentimental value. That explains the ‘Shamateur’ part of Pickering’s ceremonial title in today’s article, as part of our conribution to community celebrations. The preceding ‘Major’ acknowledges his military obsession, including saving the planet from an invasion by Shariah Law-abiding aliens, the kind of thing he’ll rants about with remarkable proficiency – with no segue too difficult. In fairness without army analogies or war talk sprinkled throughout his rarely-read blog, it’s hard to imagine he’d want to traverse other topic areas and risk revealing deals or relationships he’s kept under the radar that he thinks no one’s noticed. The lyrics by Viola are cryptic, but those resonating most are: “shamateur, you got what you deserved,” which many decent Ryde people hope they’ll be able to recite to their number one local shamateur, in person, soon.

2. No Lies

An  80s classic by the SOS Band that best represents what the Ryde Community wants from anyone that is given the privilege of leading their city – but from Major Shamateur, it seems sadly, they cannot ever seem to get it. , especially on the issue of the Civic Centre redevelopment fiasco. Only recently, local resident and Newcastle University Professor John Smolders reached the point where he’d had enough of had enough which has become far too personal which ultimately leads to his whole campaign for this disaster simply not passing the sniff test.

3. Barbie Girl

Even though Auburn Council media badboy Salim Mehajer has nothing on Major Shamateur, this is the mock video clip made for his notorious wedding celebrations using the tacky Acqua track ‘Barbie Girl’. It has important symbolism for those in solidarity, fighting for property developers’ privacy by not declaring relationships with them.

4. Shut Up

According to the latest available research, this song by The Black Eyed Peas will cross the mind of members of the public gallery at Ryde Council meetings at least once and up to 10 times, during cringeworthy rants by the Major Shamateur.

5. Dirty Cash

This is the ‘Sold Out Mix’ of 90s Stevie V track Dirty Cash – which I’m sure you’ll agree, goes to the heart of why the public does not trust dirty politicians  – especially those who claim they’re powered by god. You’ll especially see the relevance when you hear the words: “I want to get rich quick”.

6. Tacky

When you do one too many dirty political smear campaign and you are a redkneck bogan who puts yourself before the community, you will at some stage be seen as tacky. And Tacky is one of Wierd Al Yankovich’s more recent send up tracks. Perfect.

7. Corrupt

A track with a self-explanatory title, Corrupt was release by electro megastars, Depeche Mode in 2009. Nuff said.

8. Blurred Lines

This Robin Thicke song from 2013, Blurred Lines, is how a corrupt politician would see the hassle of having to reveal dodgy relationships to constituents. Meanwhile, constituents demand they know – there’s nothing blurred or ambiguous about it. If you’re hiding things from them it’s because you know the consequences – in a democracy anyway.

9. Like A Surgeon

Another Wierd Al Yankovich send up, this time of Madonna’s Like A Virgin. It’s a perfect track to help us remember the Shamateur’s staged knock-out – and within 10 minutes of it happening he had sent out a picture of himself, to all media, lying on a paramedics stretcher. He told journos that he expected to stay overnight for observation – but when he got to Ryde hospital, the medical certificate says there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and sent him home with instructions to take a Panadol if his fake pains persisted.

10. Don’t Lie

Another blockbuster from The Black Eyed Peas that reflects exactly what Ryde’s ratepayers collectively think almost every time Major Shamateur delivers his rants at council meetings, in public and (his party colleagues tell us) at caucus meetings – which are kind of naughty under local government legislation in NSW, where you can’t apparently have a binding caucus vote. But without them, how would we ever be able to celebrate the momentus achievements of Bill Pickering – who has made the transition from lobbyist to Mayor? Think about this for a minute – he would be ruthlessly forced into a democratic vote by ratepayers – and as he argues, it’s hard to see why they should have any sort of say in who leads their local administration, right?  yes?  no? (why are you frowning?)

“Bill Pickering rivals both Madonna and Prince when it comes to reinventing himself. His latest incarnation, DJ Picko, has seen him carry on unabated as a truth remixer and ethical illusionist. He brings hope to others that are completely unsuited to public office – for they know they too can now make the grade” – Hugo Halliday


As Popular Bowel Cancer: No Local Support? No Worries

If you’re not into political natter, now’s the time to get off the bus. Or you can hang around and be enlightened.

If there’s something Bill knows well, it’s the unarguable fact that he’s about as popular as bowel cancer and to become “mayor” when you don’t rate a blip in community approval is a big achievement.

He’s employed a simple strategy – make sure Ryde’s ratepayers have no say in it. He fought tooth and nail against a proposal to elect the mayor by popular vote, taking sleazy sanctuary in his more familiar habitat – the dark and dingy backroom.


The closest thing resembling a dark and dingy political caucus meeting scenario where Major Shamateur is most at home

There, he only has to dupe a handful of Liberal caucus members, not an entire community.

And Ryde Council’s meeting  minutes may well report a Mayoral election was carried out in mid-September according to the rules, transparently, in open session. Surely Major Shamateur won fair and square.

Right? Wrong.

The Dastardly Events No One Seems To Have Realised

Don’t forget the dastardly events in the few years leading up to this and his previous shock elevation, used to change numbers on council, which were 7-5 against his shambolic Civic Centre pet project after the 2012 elections.


Major Shamateur has accessed the control panel to fine tune the settings, the meter here indicates his regular output level

There’s been smear campaigning, for which he was embroiled in defamation action;  a disgraceful ICAC inquiry solely to eliminate political rivals and serious conflicts of interests – none of which have been disclosed – leading all the way to Macquarie Street.

Let’s hope some of the misinformation is dealt with when the DPP manages to finally get all the evidence ICAC’s hidden as two innocent men continue to face court over purely fictional claims related to the sham ICAC Ryde inquiry, that don’t pass the sniff test.

Postponing Sour Grapes

For now, we’ve put ruthless abuse of power and misuse of public resources to one side.

We’re here to celebrate Major Shamateur’s latest incarnation, ‘DJ Picko’.

He’s been dazzling large crowds of property developers with his signature “truth remixing” and regular acts of “ethical illusion”.  (Note: pic above from his last gig with imaginary fans).

You can just imagine the ‘Carnivale’ atmosphere that has kicked on in Ryde since Major Shamateur scored the red bathrobes, with celebrations ongoing since mid-September and spilling into the streets.

We’re feeling quite guilty at The Star Chamber Inquirer for getting to the party late, so in the spirit of DJ Picko’s new musical endeavours, we’ve assembled selection of tracks to get things buzzing again.

They’re from his upcoming compilation tribute album ‘Undisclosed’ which included his catchy new track “Help The Starving Children – With High Rise On Ryde’s Waterfront”.

Stay tuned for the fanfare when we launch that brilliant collection of musical artistry very soon.

Move over Salim… Coming Soon: A tribute to Pope Picko

Bill Pickering - the man who fought passionately for a hike in your rates and timidly proposed that rate payers pick up councillor litigation bills

Bill Pickering – the man who fought passionately for a hike in your rates and timidly proposed that rate payers pick up councillor litigation bills. He even gave  evidence against at an ICAC inquiry to protect all of us from his political rivals. Nice.

A Funny Take On The Pickering “Punch” & Petunia Entanglement By A Rare Competent SMH Journo


Pretty entertaining, especially Pickering’s comment that “Everything’s OK neurologically”. We’re pleased he’s happy with his self-diagnosis, but from all reports he wasn’t allowed to stay at the hospital long enough to do any self-serve brain scans.


Bill Pickering Should Be Handed The Robes: Not Mayoral, but Papal

Cr Bill Pickering of Ryde in the Papal RObes

Cr Bill Pickering of Ryde in the Papal Robes

Rarely can a few paragraphs of text move someone to shed a tear or two, but a letter to the Northern District Times on July 9th, 2014 certainly did. I’m told the author was a fellow member of  Cr Pickering’s Liberal Party branch, but have not been able to confirm this as yet.

That letter gave me a new perspective on Cr Pickering and the hero status he enjoys within his own party. Don’t take my word for it, have a read for yourself…….

Proof - Cr Pickering's Popularity Within His Party

Proof – Cr Pickering’s Popularity Within His Party

The letter was a response to one sent in by Cr Pickering (below) and generously published by the Northern District Times in which he rattles off an extensive list of achievements as councillor.

Cr Pickering Lauds Cr Pickering - NDT, 2nd July, 2104

Cr Pickering Lauds Cr Pickering – NDT, 2nd July, 2104

Let’s have a look at what he has to say. In a letter titled “It’s time to move forward”, Cr Pickering has a crack at all and sundry with a competing view of reality. He rattles off a list of achievements connected to the political quagmire of the last twelve months and you have to say, it’s extremely impressive, given that he would have had to balance all those things with the mundane kind of stuff councillors are expected to do, like advocate for better traffic outcomes, open space, recreational land use, red tape on local business.

“I stood with former Liberal mayo Artin Etmekdjian in achieving a Supreme Court Injunction against attempts to illegally sack the former General Manager, John Neish,” Cr Pickering writes.

What a stunning achievement that was – at an estimated cost of more than $300,000 for ratepayers. I’m sure residents would be delighted at that sort of expenditure, especially those among the 3,000-plus that objected to the shambolic Civic precinct plan.

The ICAC “findings” against Cr Petch and a local businessman mentioned in Cr Pickering’s letter may seem sinister, but don’t really amount to much – just an allegation, a bit of mud throwing, an attempt at smear.

Run this sham ICAC Ryde inquiry through a common law filter – with proper rules of evidence – and you end up with……… a lot of questions!

“I defended and continue to defend the actions of John Neish, who as a whistleblower suffered unfairly at the hands of councillors now found to be corrupt,” Cr Pickering asserts.

Touching words there by Cr Pickering and he must have a different version of the report. Neish suffered at the hands of “councillors” – plural – you say? There’s only one councillor I can see in the report that was slapped with unfair “corruption” findings. Where is the other? Were you working with a draft copy that no one was privy to?

Just for housekeeping – only one whistleblower suffered unfairly and it wasn’t Neish. We should hear more on this soon.

Cr Pickering  says he “pushed hard” for the ICAC inquiry? What exactly did Cr Pickering do to “push hard” – who did he speak to, what real evidence did he provide, what political favours did he call on? Tell us all about it Cr Pickering, or is that all part of the uninteresting detail?

Finally, Cr Pickering’s letter took the opportunity to put the boot into Ivan Petch again. But I want to know when Cr Pickering plans to thank and honour Cr Petch for giving him a leg up, a “break”, in politics. The pic below shows Cr Pickeing – appropriately on the far right – revelling in his 2008 Ryde candidacy on Ivan Petch’s ticket.