Not Happy Jan – Ooompah Loompahs Say ICAC Shamelessly Used Them For A Headline

Oompah Loompah_lrg

Global Union Of Oompah Loompahs (GUOL) spokesman Oompah Loompah #35712 – who lives in Sydney – says ICAC has cost him and a couple of his colleagues considerable income by announcing they would be called to give evidence at the Snack Pack inquiry.

“We were booked for a pantomime the days ICAC told us we would be called, so we told the school we’d have to cancel. So, the ICAC Snack Pack inquiry came. We sat there by the phone  – waiting, waiting, waiting… no one called,” the angry little Oompah Loompah told Save Ryde.

“Willy Wonka is pissed off too. He was booked to to do some motivational speaking for a bunch of people all around Australia involved in party-plan confectionery sales, but had to pull out because he was also told he’d be an expert witness.


Willy Wonka and a selection of former Oompah Loompahs at the height of their careers during a western Sydney shopping centre appearance (pic: Bankstown Square)

“The Union is ‘Not Happy Jan’ about the situation and we’re considering what action we might take. It’s hard enough being midget-sized, orange-faced and green-haired but when you’re disrespected and robbed of your livelihood like this, it makes me wonder what sort of corporate refugees they have in their offices.”

The Oompah Loompah said that initially, when he looked at the announcement about an inquiry into RFS catering, he though it was “about who ate all the pies” after seeing a picture of ICAC Assistant Commissioner Theresa Hamilton, who is rumoured to have eaten half a Snack Pack included among ICAC’s exhibits, under the guise of “checking the veracity of evidence”.

B-Team Battler: ICAC Assistant Commissioner Theresa Hamilton at centre of  Snack Pack exhibit rummaging (pic: he mum)

B-Team Battler: ICAC Assistant Commissioner Theresa Hamilton at centre of Snack Pack exhibit rummaging (pic: her mum)

The Oompah Loompah said the least ICAC could have done was put in a call to the Royal Commission into Unions, because he had “plenty to say about the Union looking after Oompah Loompahs – its awesome and looks after us like family”.

“I’ve read through the transcripts now and reckon I wouldn’t have been able to help anyway, but I’m very concerned to hear there’s still no sign of Bertie Beetle,” he said.

“We used to party together back in the 90s when he was a little out of control after fame and fortune got to his head. I can tell you something about him you wouldn’t know – his real name is Bartholomew but he had to change it to ‘Bertie’ by deed poll after constant harassment”



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