ICAC Takes Credit For Massive FIFA Corruption Bust

FIFA_Foyer

The NSW ICAC claims it was a critical player in the sensational FIFA arrests by US agency, the FBI, over massive-scale corruption.

It says the NSW Government should give it more funding so it can commission an advertising agency to showcase its achievements.

“Look, that’s just what we do at ICAC, we follow the legislation to a ‘t’ and ensure that we’re hot on the trail of “serious and systemic corrution” and FIFA is just one of those globally significant cases we’re handling at any one time,” a source in the sporting corruption area of the agency said.

“It’s incredible how it all came together. A few of the mothers in the office have kids that play soccer and one weekend, there must have been some unusually-deep conversation about corruption and hundreds of millions in bribes to people in an organisation they’d probably never heard of – but they knew it was soccer’s world ruling body.”

“Well, come Monday, all hell broke loose – we had four or five referrals of FIFA Corruption in the bag by 11am.”

According to our deepthroat, ICAC did a preliminary investigation based on what could be ascertained in the public domain and indeed, we found there was probably some funny FIFA business going on.

“But really, nothing that couldn’t be addressed by a series of our educational and preventative corruption workshops,” the source said.

“We passed on our opinion to the powers that be in the NSW Government and since we’ve heard nothing back, I think it can be safely assumed that ICAC’s authoritative global standing and its opinion there was ‘funny business going on” had to be the the catalyst for the FBI’s raids.” the source explained, adding that it’s what should be expected from a well-funded, organised anti-corruption body with a history of massive success.

“That’s why we’ve asked the NSW Government for another ten million dollars for this financial year, so we can stay on the cutting edge of corruption in this graft-riddled part of the world,” the source revealed.

“We need to commission an advertising campaign because we’re never given that much to spend on marketing. Or else we may have to cut back on the good work being done by our people in the Narrative Department.

“Politicians, and the public must understand this – we don’t have rules of evidence, so we can do anything we like to or with evidence. We can photoshop a green wig on the subject of surveillance.

“We – and only we – decide what so-called best practices we bring into our borders. Alright?!! You worthless piece of scum. Umm … sorry. I get so passionate at times.”

The source, laughed as he recalled a panicked NSW Premier Mike Baird being told one of the ramifications of the High Court’s recent Cunneen judgement, including ICAC being forced to apologise and compensate his predecessor and recommend his return to the leadership.

Former NSW Premier Fatty (pre-gastric banding) O’Barrell, fell on his sword after apparently forgetting that he received from a lobbyist, a bottle of wine worth an amount of money that would feed a small African nation for whole year.

Save Ryde believes there was something else big that ICAC promised not to reveal if he went straight away. Those revelations are believed to be linked  to ICAC’s current stadium-filling, life changing, global, balltearing Snack Pack inquiry.

The shocking ICAC exhibit in which the diversity of lollies at the heart of its latest inquiry were exposed (Image; ICAC)

The shocking ICAC exhibit in which the diversity of lollies at the heart of its Snack Pack inquiry were exposed (Image; ICAC)

“How do we avoid this? How do we keep that dropkick out?” the source recalled Premier Baird asking.

Big things came out of ICAC’s Snack Pack inquiry

“Which was followed like clockwork by our Legal Services Director handing him a ready-to-go text for retrospective legislation that just needed an urgent sitting of parliament to be passed.

“Politicians are all the same breed, our top secret internal manual shows you clear how to press their buttons and get your way every time. We really should make it available to developers and lobbyists for a few thousand dollars a pop. That could turn into a handy little supplement to operating cash.”

The former Premier has given the local wine industry an unexpected boost

The NSW Government know that every dollar invested in ICAC is money well-spent, the source said, adding the previous funding boost mid-fiscal year, by former NSW AG Greg Smith, was only enough to upgrade ICAC’s 12 participants in a ‘Corruption and Lifestyle’ conference in Monaco from Premium Economy to First.

Big things came out of ICAC’s Snack Pack inquiry (Image: Save Ryde)

“No seriously, our track record speaks for itself when it comes to unearthing the details that really matter. We brought down premiers, yes. And under the confidential MOU we have have the NSW Government, we get a big bonus for doing that, yes. But he deserved it fair and square,” the source told Save Ryde.

“How do you run a state when you can’t remember gifts like fancy wine and pens. For the battling families out there it’s not on.”

Dumped NSW Attorney General Greg Smith.

Dumped former NSW Attorney General Greg Smith – he played the tunes ICAC loved to “do the jig” to (PIC: BuggerifIKnow)

The source said that pending a reponse on its demand for extra funding, a recent ICAC executive meeting began exploring other revenue raising measures.

“I think we would be of obvious value to companies, political parties and other poltically-charged offices with a kind of masterclass on leaking and obfuscation – we’ve done it for years now and no one’s come after us and the public are none the wiser.’

One of ICAC's recent executive team meetings. ICAC's Code of Conduct precludes staff members from activities that could reveal their identity and expose snouts.

One of ICAC’s recent executive team meetings. ICAC’s Code of Conduct precludes staff members from activities that could reveal their identity and expose snouts.

 

 

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